Something came to my mind today, and the sense of fear and abandonment managed to move into full action! To be honest, I was hesitant to even admit out loud or write it on paper for fear, (there’s that word again.) of what other’s may think of me or how I feel about myself. I then realized that this is my blog, and holding it in, will not ever resolve this “issue” I have, and a serious one at that! Fear and abandonment have been a friend to my family for a long time, or maybe more accurately, “been a friend to me.” I hate to feel stupid or rejected so I tend to internalize things and not share much, until it physically makes me sick! Academically speaking, I have always made decent grades, but I tell you I had to study twice as hard as most! Writing to me has always been my way out, but then again, the “fear” of someone actually reading it. Whew!
Ok, so enough rambling..Here is the real deal, I have a really hard time accepting the fact that God loves me, and that his presence is in my daily life. It is so hard for me, because I cant see him. I think it is because of the physical ability to interact with humans, that I tend to gravitate to the “human/physical” side of whomever has been placed in my life. Due to the lack of Faith, and real deep connection I feel alone. I also know that this full emotional dependence on someone else other than God, is real close to the Idolatry Line, for I am not trying to go down that line with HIM! I have already experienced heartache and grieving in my life, so I don’t think it is God’s intention for me to take that class, but I need the answers Now on how to get there and full relationship with God. I know alot of the text book answers on this, like read the bible, he will speak to you? I know scripture…. I feel like I need to get there with HIM soon, like yesterday! I also know how to repent and ask HIM to fill me with his spirit, but something just isn’t clicking!
I know I have babbled, and if I am the only one who reads this, I have gotten it onto paper, and like a research paper, can go back and break it down. It sounds like I am just looking for the “Cliff Notes” on this, and I really am not; I will do the work, just tell me what it is Lord!