I wanted to share with you something that I wrote after the death of my brother. It was at the time how I was feeling, and since there has been a new season in my life, it reality impact is somewhat diminished.
I wrote this in my Grief Group, but for those still struggling….hope it helps.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009 | A Rambling story You know you read so many stories, and know personally people who have lost someone they loved. You not being initially affected, say the standard clique , “I am so sorry, or Is there anything I can do for you?”. Well of course, you have to say thank you… but inside, you are thinking, (but I actually said this to someone), well you could bring my brother back to me, that would be nice.” Until it happens to you, you empathize with them, and think about them every once in awhile, wondering how they are doing, and go on with your life. Then Wham, something tragic happens to you, someone or something took your heart and soul away from you. I thank God literally for the “shell shock” stage, or the numbing stage… because literally I know the human brain could not handle the impact of something like that all at once. In my opinion, it would literally “blow your mind.” So you are numb, desperate for anything to make this pain go away, and to bring your loved one back to you. For one more time, or chance to change the circumstances. Other than self-medicating, being numb is the only time when you experience something but don’t feel the real impact of the situation. Then all of a sudden, this protective mechanism goes away, your out there with pain raw to the bone. You literally feel like your bones are crying out, shrieking with pain. unimaginable, until it happens to you. So you barely function, but yet there is so much responsibility, so many things to take care of…. your not prepared, for the minimum amount of days you have before your loved one is buried, or taken “further away.” Why is this happening? There are so many people, you think, out there, that don’t even care about their family. Why did you take mine? So, as normal as it really is, your faith is tested. You are angry at everyone, God, sometimes family, friends. You are also alone. Because by this time, you feel like your friends have abandoned you. Not really because they don’t care about you, its more so because they are uncomfortable with your sadness and despair, and do not know what to say, for they know that there is nothing they can say to you to make you feel better, so they don’t say anything at all, slowly disappearing….. Time passes by slowly, life goes on, your family expects you to keep it together, and you try to make “normalcy” a thing of the present. You still have to work, pay bills, be there for your other children, and family… People will mention a “new normal” to you, and it will anger you when you hear it, what is a new normal. Get used to the term, it sticks. Its important for a person who has lost a loved one to “talk about and keep their memory alive,” its a way of natural healing, whether or not you are aware of it or not. The outside world remember, is uncomfortable with your displaying of emotions, and needing to still talk about your loved one. They expect you to move on, come on, its been…….months, years….. remember these are the same people, who I wrote about in the beginning. The one’s who empathize with you but really havent experienced it themselves. But hold on, you still have to be you, you still have needs and feelings and healing to meet. Its important to find an “outside venue” to do this… Daily Strength, Bereavement Groups, Compassionate Friends, if you have lost a child… Stay connected, I joined a group called Grief Net, when I lost my brother, eight years ago, and it was a group of about 20 people who had lost a sibling themselves, we emailed, communicated, some visited through the years, and even today I receive emails from them. We have gone through Death, births, marriages, divorces…. you name it…. We no longer need the connection that we did in the beginning now, but our friendship grew. So my advise to you, connect, grieve at your own pace. If your not ready to pack up things and discard of get rid of their precious belongings, Don’t…. People remember only empathize with you… Don’t let anyone or anything rush your grief, because guess what? From experience, I can tell you, you will take that class again. You cannot go around grief, it is something you must do, step by step, daily…. I can tell you that the to the bone pain goes away. You don’t feel like you are going to just die, literally you start to slowly breathe again on your own. There is always that feeling, the pit of your stomach, that achiness in your gut….. that never goes away…. just lessens…. There will be good days and bad, some days after eight years, I feel like I did in the beginning…. but most of the days, I can look at his picture, and smile and remember how much I love and miss my baby boy……. Until I see you again…. Peace.. To all others reading this, I know how you feel, it is awful…. I am here for you….. Traci