March 16, 2010
Real with Myself
Got to tell ya, I want to share with you, my real feelings, and thoughts. I have been in a wierd “funk” for the last couple of weeks… I can’t really explain where it came from, but it was almost like throwing a big, heavy tarp over me… I could see out, but really couldnt grasp or reach outside of this area, for it was such a heavy weight on me. Subconsciously, I knew something was not quite right. I was outside myself, felt differently towards my husband, felt almost bothered by him?! What in the world! I was having such a difficult time, believing him, following him as our leader of the family. It was almost like I fought against, everything he said. One thing I have learned through all this, is your thoughts are only your thoughts, some of them are not even realistic. (Thank you Jesus, for your Mercy and Grace on me, for only HE knew where I could of ended up, if I were judged on what I thought.) Thank you Jesus!
The last lesson out of this trial, was that what you say has a tremendous impact on another person, whether or not it is true or if you really meant it, if you say it, that other person receiving your words assumes it to be your truth and takes it too heart! For some unknown reason, I guess I could blame it on “anger”, or really it was just shear meanness. I told my husband, who is my everything, that I was tired of “it”, and the only reason I was still with him, was because of my kids! What? As soon as I said it, I knew I was in trouble. The look and pain on his face, ugh….. I immediately had an inner panic of the devastation I had caused… How was I going to fix this? As shameful as it is, you know even at that time, I didnt even take the thought or time to reach out to Jesus…. A perfect opportunity, but what it turned into was more devastation. I came to realize without Jesus in your life, and marriage, if two people stay together long enough, they will end up divorced. Mind you, I said that two people without Jesus in their life; will keep on hurting and tearing down the walls of your marriage, family. A panic overtakes you, God help me, I dont want to tear my family apart, devastate my kids…continue the curse of divorce among my generations.
Moving fast forward to this morning, I was getting ready to facilitate the bible study I lead on Tuesday morning. Imagine that, I am leading other ladies with all the burden I have put on myself and family, all because of my lack of initiative (not sure what else to call it, stupidity? ) to humble myself and reach out to God!
What was I possibly going to lead this morning? I had no energy and just felt exhausted! On the way there, I repented, and asked God to help me through this all. So much to say for a little five minute car ride, but after that, I felt the walls coming down.. Joy that I havent felt in awhile, at least the last two weeks anyways….
Bible study went well, you really cant go wrong with Beth Moore leading you….. well this is so long, I guess I am wondering, anyone else out there feeling like I did?